Why I Share My Experiences

Trigger Warning - This piece includes the following subject matters - SA & CA

Every time I share my story it enables me to let go of a little more of that anger, frustration, sadness, a little more of that trauma that poisoned my mind, body and soul goes away. I am a survivor of child abuse, a step parent abused me mentally, verbally, emotionally & physically from ages 3 to 9, a family member sexually abused me nightly for 2 weeks the summer I was nine, as an adult I have suffered 2 date rapes and one of my long term boyfriends with whom I have a child with also abused and raped me several times during our relationship. My very first memory as a child is me lying on cold tile on the kitchen floor, my step parent, who weighed well over 100, probably even 150+ pounds more then me) sitting on top of me (I'm between 3 to 4 years old at this point). He is sitting on my rib cage/stomach area, he was forcing medication down my throat, I had never had to take pills before, I couldn't swallow them. He put them in my mouth, poured some water in it and then proceeded to hold his hand over my mouth and nose until I swallowed them, making it impossible for me to breathe. That is why to this day, oxygen masks and masks we have to wear during this pandemic are a huge trigger for me. I also have scars internally (from the sexual abuse and one of the rapes) that cause me daily triggers but I have learned to just acknowledge these triggers and then continue on with my day, leaving them behind me.

I understand that my sharing these things makes it hard for certain family members and I do feel really awful about that because I love them so much. I still choose to say my truth because I want to heal, to let go of a little more of those trauma's, to find forgiveness, to remind myself how far I have come but to also be mindful of how much more I need to do. The other reason I share is to help others, whether that means they know they are not alone or to help people who love a trauma survivor understand that person's experiences and feelings a little bit more, or even to just raise awareness for more mental health care coverage, to help make changes to our laws, to stop predators, to stop victim shaming/blaming, to stop the bullying victims receive, or for calling attention to the need for more trained trauma therapists. Very few therapists are actually trained to help trauma survivors, it takes special training, something most won't or can't do for whatever reason. We can't be fixed by throwing meds at us, trauma must be dealt with on all levels, some times that does require meds, but it also and more importantly requires learning techniques to cope with trauma PTSD and any other mental health disorders that may have been developed during the trauma events such as PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, Dissociation, etc., and the actual trauma's themselves must be dealt with separately by talking things out and various other trauma healing techniques that again only a trauma specialist can do with a trauma victim. Very few insurances actually cover trauma therapy unfortunately so that is something that needs to change. I don't suffer from most of the disorders I mentioned above but I know people who do. I do obviously have PTSD and anxiety with panic disorder but everything is manageable with different techniques, such as slowing my breathing, taking a bath, reading a book, painting, basically manageable with distraction. Also like most abused children, I got really good at hiding my feelings and thoughts so it's not often people even realize something is bothering me, I'm working on being more honest with stuff like that. I feel like I sound like a hot mess, I hope that's not how I am coming across. I need to work on not being so harsh with myself, I frequently feel like people are judging me or misunderstanding me.

I will always try to use trigger warnings when I talk about this stuff because as a survivor the last thing I want is to trigger another survivor with what I share. Trauma trigger warnings are important, not just for us as survivors to use but for everyone else to use as well when talking about these kinds of things. I didn't know about trigger warnings myself until recently so I am sorry if I hurt anyone by not using them in the past. I am also sorry that my sharing hurts the people that I love, none of that is my intent.

I can't stop sharing because its part of my healing process. Sharing enables me to let go of the shame I feel. I know shame stops so many people from talking about their own experiences but for me I don't want to live in shame, I don't want my trauma to poison my future the way it has my past. I spent 35 years of my life running from that shame, allowing it to poison my mind, my choices, my body, just every part of me. I am working on forgiving myself for my actions during some of those time periods in my life. I heaped abuse on myself because I believed I deserved to suffer. I choose bad partners who I allowed to treat me badly, though there were a few good men but I ultimately pushed them away because I didn't believe I deserved love and that I didn't deserve to be treated good. I allowed men to use me for sex, I am not proud of that. It took a long time for me to accept love from a good man, that man was Stewart. Unfortunately, Stewart had brain cancer and he was dying so he left me, it was very hard for me to accept his choice at the time. After he left me I reverted back to allowing men to use me. It would take another 2 years of dating the wrong men and/or allowing men to use me before I finally made a choice to stop dating, to fix my trauma whatever it took. I prayed to God to help me, to help me forgive myself and my abusers, I begged Him to help me find self worth, self value, self esteem, confidence, to make me ready for a good man, the right man, my soulmate, whomever it is He made for me to be with. I gave Him my pain, my shame, my burdens, my anger, my sadness, my tears, I gave it all to Him and I truly believe He took those things and turned all that darkness into light. He made me a better person and from all those ashes I arose a beautiful soul, someone braver, stronger, smarter, mentally tough but also mentally healthy.

I self sabotaged a lot, and I do mean everywhere in my life. The one light always shining in the darkness was my 2 babies, these amazing souls, who taught me how to love, they taught me how to accept love from others, they saved me too, in ways they will never know. There have been others along my journey who were lights for me too, I feel awful that I pushed them away. My childhood friends Leah J., Shannon M., Sarah H., Cori F., Gretchen B., Jenny N., Stephanie E. and Sarah S., you all meant more to me than I ever told you. The only one of you who knew anything about what I was suffering was Sarah S., I was too ashamed to tell the rest of you. I already felt like a freak for having arthritis, I didn't want to also be the freak that was being abused, the freak whose spirit was broken. For Leah and Shannon, my best friends, you guys have no idea how grateful I was for every time I got to spend the night at one of your houses. It was a safe place, a happy place, where I didn't have to be afraid. I am so sorry I pushed you all away. Unfortunately, someone in the group, not named above, who I wasn't close to said some stuff at a birthday party at Leah's house in junior high that was very triggering, it caused me to make the stupidest and first of my self-sabotaging choices which was to walk away from these beautiful friendships, for that I am always going to be so sorry, it's one of my biggest regrets. The truth is I was so terrified of any of you finding out how damaged I was, how depressed I felt, how different I had always felt because of my arthritis and because of the abuse. I felt so much shame, because of the things done to me and said to me I was under the belief that I was evil, stupid, ugly, fat, unlovable, I didn't deserve love or good friends, no one really liked me, these are all things said to me on a daily basis, along with the one phrase that took the longest to heal from, "no man will ever love you, your own dad didn't love you enough to stick around so no one else will ever love you either," that did the most damage (my dad did love me btw). I didn't think I deserved such amazing, beautiful, kind & loving people like you all in my life. I'm so sorry I didn't have the strength to confide in any of you, that I didn't realize you would still want to be my friend, I just couldn't see that you would still have wanted to be my friend, that you would have loved and supported me, though honestly I probably couldn't have accepted the love and support because again, I was told I didn't deserve that. What I am trying to say is I know I messed up, I'm sorry I allowed my trauma to poison our friendships, I'm sorry I ran away from all of you, I'm sorry I didn't think I was good enough to be your friend. I love all of you and I cherish the memories of the safety of your homes, these are the only happy memories I have of my childhood.

I don't want to share a bunch of the details of my trauma, not in this blog anyway. Instead I want to focus on where I am at now. This last year with the pandemic has made me even more aware of how precious time is, my son almost dying and then losing my dad in 2016 also made me aware of time slipping away. These events made me realize I want to tell people what they mean to me. I want to live a life more open-hearted, to tell people how I feel about them before it's too late. I want to tell those to whom I am grateful how much they mean to me, to thank people more, to encourage people, to spread more love, more kindness. I've been inspired to live out loud, to live my truth, which also includes the trauma, but to live it in a healthier way. I want those that inspire me, especially one person in particular (a guy, first initial J, who keeps missing out on seeing me every time he's in town, you know who you are). You are so amazing, wonderful, kind and you have a beautiful soul, you inspire me to keep making goals and trying new things. I want all the people in my life to know I care about them, I find strength, comfort, empathy and compassion in each of you. I don't expect anything else back from you guys, just that you know how I feel, I'm grateful to know each of you.

I merely want to know each night as I lay my head down that should I not wake up, it's okay because I didn't leave anything unfinished or unsaid, right now there is something I am leaving unsaid and I need to find the courage to say it, even if it leads to rejection. I want to finish whatever time I have left in this world, whether it's a little or a lot, with lots of love, light, laughter, with self love, self worth, self dignity, grace, compassion, strength, courage, confidence in myself and my body (that's a whole other blog waiting to be written), most of all I want to continue being mentally healthy. I want to leave people knowing they are loved, to have made a difference in people's lives, to leave this place having made it better for even just one person. Emily Dickinson wrote, "If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain. If I can ease one life the aching, or cool one pain, or help one fainting robin unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain." I feel that in my soul, if I can stop one person from feeling alone, one child from feeling scared or ashamed, if I can help one person who is a victim of any of the horrible trauma's I too am a victim of, if I can stop people from victim shaming/blaming, then I too will not have lived in vain. So that's my plan, my goal and my promise to myself and to all of you. It is also why I will continue to share my story, my journey of healing and why I will be a voice for those unable to speak about their own trauma. I will stand by all trauma victims, I will listen to their stories even though it triggers my own trauma, because I feel a sense of duty to other victims to listen, to hear, to stand and so I will continue to do so. This is why I will continue to share.

I want to end this blog with a quote from a song called, Without Fear by Dermot Kennedy, it's such a powerful song, I wish someone felt that way about me. There is a line at the end that says, "there's a beauty in being broken, I've been seeing it." Finding the beauty in my broken pieces has been so therapeutic, being broken shouldn't be seen as bad, the pieces can't be put back together, instead they are mended like patchwork, or like taping pieces back together, they won't go back the same way they broke, but they make a beautiful new thing. I also want to state healing from trauma isn't something that ever stops, it is something we must do daily, through different techniques, like telling ourselves 5 things we like about ourselves when those bad words run through our head, practicing self care, meditation, talking about our feelings, whatever works best for whatever part of your trauma that has been triggered.

I want everyone reading this to know, you are not alone, if you need someone to talk to I am here for you. If you want to ask me questions or hear more of my story I am here, there will be future blogs about this but if you want to talk to me directly to learn more about any of these things please do not be afraid to approach me. As I said, talking does help me tremendously. To all the victims out there, I see you, I hear you and I stand with you in solidarity, we are warriors in this together and I'm sending lots of love and light your way!