****TRIGGER WARNING****
This is part two of a three part blog that discusses rape, child abuse and includes my personal experiences in some graphic detail. Please don’t read these blogs if it will put your mental health at risk. There are resources listed at the bottom of this blog if you or someone you know is/becomes a victim of any sexual crime, please reach out to get help.
In part one I addressed the following topics; what is victim blaming/shaming, what secondary victimization is, examples of statements victims hear and why they are either inaccurate or harmful and stats on sexual crimes. Part one can be found here; https://sophpratt.wixsite.com/celiacsophiesblog/post/sa-series-part-1-what-is-victim-blaming-shaming-why-it-is-bad This part of my series will focus on the why victims may blame themselves, stigma of sexual crimes, rape culture, why victim blaming/shaming is harmful, how the media contributes to victim blaming and what can you do to prevent this and help victims. Part 3 will be my own personal experiences. All three parts will end with a list of resources for victims as well as citations of sources I used.
WHY VICTIMS BLAME THEMSELVES
Victims sometimes blame themselves for the same reasons other people blame them. For instance, they too want to believe the world is a safe, fair place, so blaming themselves allows them to continue to believe the world is generally a safe place.
They may also have heard some of the examples listed in part one and those words often repeat over and over in their heads, making them believe they are at fault. For instance, “maybe if I wore different clothing, this won’t happen to me again/wouldn’t have happened to me” or maybe “if I was stronger I could have defended myself from this attack,” or “it’s my fault for going in public alone,” “it couldn’t be rape because he’s my boyfriend,” all these things are ways victims blame themselves and all of them are inaccurate because it is never the victim's fault.
Victims experience a lot of fear that they will be attacked again, in fact a portion of victim’s will experience more than one sexual assault. Having been raped more than once myself I can attest to the fact that we blame ourselves which is so harmful to our mental health and well-being.
STIGMA OF SEXUAL CRIME VICTIMS & WHAT IS RAPE CULTURE?
Rape culture is an environment in which sexual violence is normalized and excused in the media and in our culture/society. It is perpetuated through the objectification of women’s bodies, misogynistic language and the glamourizing of sexual violence, all of which creates a society that disregards victims rights and safety.
Victims of sexual crimes such as rape or child sexual abuse are often stigmatized in society when they tell their stories. Quite often they are seen as "damaged goods" which isn’t fair to the victim, this is especially true with children or virgins. Women are often slut-shamed, they are not believed, they may even be disowned from their families, in some countries women who have been raped are killed because they are "unclean", yet the rapist is allowed to continue on his life as if he did nothing wrong.
Rape culture includes the belief that what a woman is wearing can be a reason as to why she deserved or asked to be raped. It’s the assumption that a woman wearing body-revealing clothing or makeup means they are looking for it, irrespective of verbal consent. (Side Note: I plan on doing another blog post about consent, in fact if you would like to help me by answering some questions on the topic, please send me a message below or on my socials, I promise to always keep you anonymous). I will briefly touch on it though by saying the movement towards affirmative consent is a positive thing. It means that all people participating in sexual activity must give a verbal affirmation to consent, no means no and no verbal answer also means no. It also means if any party is drinking, regardless of whether they may have given a verbal yes, they are impaired so they can’t legally give verbal consent.
Some people use the argument that affirmative consent takes away from their right to sexual freedom and that it maintains the old stereotypes of sexual repression perpetuated by western culture. I argue it does NOT do that. You can still have a one night stand, just get verbal consent beforehand. How hard is it to have a quick conversation with a potential sexual partner to find out what they are okay doing, what they aren’t, if they are sober, do you both agree to use protection, etc.? Quite frankly it’s about respect for them and for yourself. Again, I will be discussing more on these things in a future blog because it’s a whole subject on it’s own.
Affirmative consent also includes the fact that a minor can never give consent. I realize there are some states that allow sex with teenagers as long as they are 15/16 (depending on the state), however it is still illegal federally and it is still wrong for an adult to use these loopholes in state laws to have sex with a teenager, they are still children. This loophole creates child victims. These kids can’t drink, smoke, fight in the military yet somehow our laws think they are responsible enough to consent to sex? How does that seem right? It doesn’t to me. Predators use these loopholes to groom teenagers and to get away with some very disturbing behavior.
Another example of rape culture is when victims are attacked on their character (i.e. drug use, prostitution, amount of sexual partners, etc.) by defense attorney’s who make the argument that victims who lead a “high risk” lifestyle are not real victims, when in fact they are victims just like every other victim, regardless of their lifestyle, again no person chooses to be raped. There is even this idea that women shouldn’t be out late at night, at a party or even alone in general in public places because if they are then they are at fault for being raped. Personally, I was blamed for my sexual assaults, something I’ll talk about in the final part of this series.
Let’s touch on male victims for a moment, they too are victims of shaming, blaming and rape culture. Rape culture perpetuates the myth that men can’t be raped based on anatomy. Many people still have the mistaken belief that men can’t be raped because guys always want sex. So because they always want sex they don’t have the same right to consent that women do? Men have the right to consent just as much as women do. Society questions a man’s sexuality when they are raped, they say they should be able to protect themselves because they are stronger than women. Male victims deserve just as much respect as women victims, they should be supported, heard and believed.
There is also the mistaken belief that men can’t be raped because if they didn’t want sex their penis would stay flaccid. Well, let me tell you, that’s simply not true. Here’s why, none of us have 100% control over what our bodies do. Something you may not realize is that the majority of victims (both male & female) will experience orgasm, not because they wanted to or because they enjoyed what happened to them, simply because we don’t control how our bodies react when certain areas are stimulated. In fact, this is another example of why victims may blame themselves, because they orgasmed during their attack. These stereotypes are so damaging and it devalues a victims story.
Examples of Rape Culture;
Trivializing Sexual Assault (i.e. “boys will be boys”)
Sexually explicit Jokes (i.e. “no means yes,” or “wouldn’t it be funny if a woman was gang raped?”)
Tolerance of Sexual Harassment
Making Up or Inflating False Rape Reporting Stats
Assuming Men Don’t Get Raped or Only Weak Men Get Raped
Refusing to Take Accusations Seriously
Teaching Women to Avoid Being Raped
Accusing someone of "Playing the Victim" or using the "victim card"
WHY IS VICTIM SHAMING/BLAMING/RAPE CULTURE BAD & WHY DO PEOPLE DO IT?
So why would anyone blame a victim? That’s a fairly complicated answer that I’ll try to unravel. It’s important to understand why there is a tendency to blame victims. Recognizing when victims are blamed can help you and others to stop blaming them, it can also help victims to stop blaming themselves.
When bad things happen to people, others often look for a reason it happened. They often say or think “that wouldn’t have happened to me, because I would have…” I think they do that as a way to make themselves feel safer or protected. It’s understandable but it’s also not a good thing to say to victims, it invalidates what happened to them and it makes them feel like you are saying it’s their fault when in fact it’s always the perpetrators fault.
Blaming silences victims. When victims are blamed they are less likely to seek help or report it to authorities and so are future victims of similar crimes. Again abuse, assault and other forms of sexual violence or violence in general are always the perpetrators fault. A victim does not bring it on themselves. By silencing victims the cycle of crime continues, the perpetrator goes on to another victim or continues to abuse his current victim more and it reinforces predator-like attitudes, allowing perpetrators to avoid being held accountable for their actions.
Victim blaming leads to increased and unnecessary suffering for the victims which increases the feelings of shame and guilt. Victims of sexual crimes almost always develop PTSD known as rape trauma syndrome, they also often experience depression, anxiety and other mental health issues because of the horrific acts that happened to them. Being ridiculed, blamed/shamed or watching the predator who violated them avoid punishment, not getting the justice they deserve not only makes the healing process so much harder but it also increases the suffering the victim is already going through, it prolongs that suffering. If the survivor knows that you or society blames her/him for the abuse, they will not feel safe or comfortable coming forward and talking to you.
Victim-blaming attitudes also reinforce what the abuser has been saying all along; that it is the victim’s fault this is happening. It is NEVER the victim’s fault nor is it their responsibility to fix the situation; it is the abuser’s choice. By engaging in victim-blaming attitudes, society allows the abuser to perpetrate relationship abuse or sexual assault while avoiding accountability for his/her actions. When friends and family remain neutral about the abuse and say that both people need to change, they are colluding with and supporting the abusive partner and making it less likely that the survivor will seek support.
HOW DOES THE MEDIA PERPETUATE SHAMING/BLAMING/RAPE CULTURE?
The media chooses what parts of a crime to highlight so while reporting on sexual crimes they can frame it in a way that contributes to blaming victims or they can frame it in a way that reinforces that all victims deserve the right to safety. When the media perpetuates victim blaming it has an impact on how society sees sexual crimes. By choosing to frame sexual crime in a way that blames a victim they basically give permission to everyone else to blame that victim rather than where the blame truly belongs which is always the predator.
Some examples of the media blaming the victim include headlines such as, “Sex worker not raped, just a deal gone sour,” “Drunk woman raped,” “Woman wearing a mini skirt was raped.” Using these headlines the media promotes a derogatory image of the victim and perpetuates the idea that these women deserved to get raped, it implies that victims with certain behaviors or certain characteristics are deserving of what happened to them.
When the media or the court system give reasons as to why a particular sex crime may have occurred it encourages a dangerous mindset in society that holds survivors responsible for the traumatic crime that happened to them, and it gives a pass to the predator. We need to hold the media accountable and demand that they not report sex crimes these ways and to always hold the predator at fault. It’s also important to note headlines such as “Woman admits to being raped.” suggests that the woman has something to be ashamed of and is responsible for being raped. The media should instead be using neutral headlines such as “woman reports rape,” or “shares experience,” this reinforces the fact that the only person at fault is the rapist.
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO STOP THIS & HELP VICTIMS?
1. Make sure victims are heard. Listen to what they are saying, hear their stories, let them know what happened to them is not their fault.
2. Do not let perpetrators blame their victim, alcohol or drugs for their behavior, nothing is to blame but their own choice to rape.
3. Confront victim blaming/shaming and rape culture when you hear it, hold the people around you accountable.
4. If you are a parent, you have a responsibility to talk to your children about the complexities of consent, what victim blaming is and what to do if someone they know is a victim or a perpetrator. The school system doesn’t do this for you, you need to do it. Have the tough conversation, let your children know it will never be their fault if these things happen. Make sure all your children know how to be sexually responsible, not just about protection but also about consent and the responsibility they have to talk to their partner(s) about consent, protection, what they are comfortable doing and what they aren't. Even if you don’t want them to be sexually active it is still important to have this conversation because someday they will be sexually active, or they may be a witness to a sexual crime, Don’t sweep this topic under the rug because it is uncomfortable.
5. Understand how your own bias about what you think about victims/gender, etc. affect the way you interpret a victims story about sexual crimes. Are you someone who thinks men can’t be raped? Are you someone who thinks if someone is a member of the LBGTQ community they deserve what happens to them? Are you someone who thinks the victim is to blame for what they wore, whether they were drinking, where they were at the time, if they knew their attacker, etc.? Do you understand how thinking these things contribute to rape culture and the fact that victims then don’t want come forward? Do you understand thinking these things enables rapists and child abusers to continue their behaviors? Finally would you want your child, your best friend, your spouse, your parent, someone you love to be shamed or blamed, would you want someone to do that to you?
In conclusion, it’s bad enough we as victims blame ourselves but to have others also place blame on us is almost worse because it reinforces what we are thinking about ourselves, it hinders our ability to cope with the trauma. As a victim I realized in order to cope I needed to stop blaming myself and I needed to stop allowing others to blame me too. Let’s stand up together against victim blaming/shaming and put the blame squarely on where it belongs, right at the perpetrators feet, let’s hold those criminals accountable.
More ways you can help;
Avoid using language that objectifies or degrades women
Speak out if you hear someone else making an offensive joke or trivializing rape
If a friend says they have been raped, take your friend seriously and be supportive
Think critically about the media’s messages about women, men, relationships, and violence
Be respectful of others’ physical space even in casual situations
Let survivors know that it is not their fault
Hold abusers accountable for their actions: do not let them make excuses like blaming the victim, alcohol, or drugs for their behavior
Always communicate with sexual partners and do not assume consent
Do not let stereotypes shape your actions.
Be an Active Bystander!
If you or someone you know is a victim please see the resources below for help. I’m here to listen if you want to tell me your story, I promise to keep whatever you tell me confidential unless I have your written permission to do otherwise. To my fellow survivors I see you, I hear you, I care about you and I stand with you!
RESOURCES
National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673 Available 24 hours
CITATIONS
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