SA Series (All 3 Parts In One Blog)

SA Series Part 1: What is Victim Blaming/Shaming & Why It Is Bad?

****TRIGGER WARNING**** This blog discusses rape, child abuse and includes my personal experiences in some graphic detail. Please don’t read these blogs if it will put your mental health at risk. There are resources listed at the bottom of this blog if you or someone you know is/becomes a victim of any sexual crime, please reach out to get help. It took me a few days to decide what my second blog should be about. I finally realized it needed to be about victim blaming/shaming, something I have experienced, and still do, every single time I talk about the abuse I have suffered (if you haven't read my first blog, please do, https://sophpratt.wixsite.com/celiacsophiesblog/post/why-i-share-my-experiences I discuss the different types of abuse I've suffered in that blog). As I sat to write this piece I realized there were so many other topics that go along with shaming/blaming so I decided this was too important to condense into one blog post. In part one of this blog I'm going to touch on the following; "What is victim blaming/shaming?", "What is secondary victimization?", "What are some examples of statements victims hear?", "Why they are either inaccurate or harmful" and I'm including some stats on these crimes at the end of part 1. Part 2 will focus on the stigma of sexual crimes/rape culture/rape day, as well as "Why victims may blame themselves," "Why victim blaming/shaming is harmful," "How the media contributes to victim blaming," and "What can you do to prevent this/help victims?" Part 3 will include my own personal experiences with several of these things and it will go into detail on some of the abuses I have suffered, it may be difficult for some people to read but I wanted to give a face to these things. All three parts will end with a list of resources for victims, parts one and two will include citations of sources I used. As you read these blogs ask yourself, have you ever thought or said these things about or to someone? How would you feel if someone said these things to you? At the end of this blog hopefully you will have more of an understanding on why this is so harmful to victims and what you can do to make sure you aren't blaming anyone for horrific trauma that happened to them.

"WHAT IS VICTIM SHAMING/BLAMING?" Victim shaming/blaming is when a victim of a crime is held entirely or partially at fault for the trauma they experienced, it's the perception that victims are in any way responsible for the actions of offenders. Throughout history (and even in current times) there is a lot of prejudice against the victims of domestic violence or sex crimes such as rape, molestation, date rape, etc. There is huge tendency to blame victims of rape rather than victims of robbery or even murder. This is especially true when victims and abusers knew each other before the crime occurred. Victim blaming is often seen in courtrooms where defense attorneys insist that victims are at fault. It’s also often seen in the media and sometimes victims even blame themselves for what happened. Whether the shaming/blaming is outright said or implied it is harmful to all victims of sex crimes.

• “WHAT IS SECONDARY VICTIMIZATION?” Secondary victimization is the re-traumatization of the sexual assault or abuse by the perpetrator, authorities, court representatives or others who victim blame, shame, don’t believe the victim or minimize the severity of the assault or abuse. While it is most common in cases involving drugs, alcohol and acquaintance/date rape, the majority of victims of sexual crimes experience secondary victimization which can be just as harmful to the psyche of the victim as the rape or abuse itself.

“WHAT ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF BLAMING, SHAMING AND/OR SECONDARY VICTIMIZATION?”

"She was asking for it." "She provoked him." "She seduced him."

An example of this is a case from 2011 in Cleveland, Texas. During the trial a defense attorney accused an 11-year-old female rape victim who suffered repeated gang rapes of being a seductress who lured men to their doom. The attorney "asked" a witness the following, “Like a spider and the fly, wasn’t she saying, ‘Come into my parlor,' said the spider to the fly.” Personally I find that completely immorally reprehensible. As a victim of child sexual abuse my heart goes out to that little girl, no child ever asks for this, nor are they a seductress, that’s sick! A lot of people don't realize that even child victims are blamed, shamed and face secondary victimization.

"Was she drinking?" "What was she doing there?" "What did she expect?" "But she went to his place/invited him to her place." "She was flirting with him." "She should have known better."

These all go hand in hand really. First off, the beverage(s) a victim may have consumed doesn't commit the crime, the criminal and only the criminal commits the crime. On occasion people ask if the rapist was drinking as well, as if that would excuse his behavior. A drunk person isn't more likely to rape then they are when they are sober, a rapist will rape whether they have been drinking or not. Secondly, Flirting is not the same as giving consent, that should be an obvious thing to everyone but apparently it isn’t. Flirting doesn’t imply a person wants to act on those actions. Even if consent is given in a previous encounter that doesn’t mean it’s a green light to do whatever you want to the person, whenever you want. Consent can be removed at any point, before or during the act and it only gives consent to that particular encounter, not future ones. Third, inviting someone to your home or going to someone else's home doesn't mean you intend to have sex with them. There are many reasons why someone might accept an invitation to go to someone's home or invite someone to their home. Perhaps, they have known this person for a long time and trust them. Even if a person chooses to go to someone's home when they don't know them well, or invite them to their home, it doesn't make it okay for someone to rape them, it doesn't excuse the behavior of the perpetrator. I'll touch a bit more on this later on when I talk about my own story. Finally, "she should have known better," is such a stupid statement, known better than what? She should have known better than to get raped? Really? "She was wearing provocative clothing." "What was she wearing?"

Statements such as these focus on the victims clothing/appearance, as if they were responsible for the assault because of her clothing choices or their hair, makeup, etc. Sexual assault is something that happens to someone, not something they choose to bring upon themselves. Clothing, hair, makeup, none of that is responsible for rape. When we focus on a victims appearance we are ignoring what the rapist has done, we are essentially trying to excuse the criminal's behavior, that is not okay. "She couldn't have been raped because she is a slut or a prostitute." "She's been with a lot of people."

No matter how many times a person has had consensual sex, they still have the right to say no to sex. It doesn’t matter if their profession is a sex worker, they too have the right to say no. It’s also important to know that hyper-sexuality is a type of coping mechanism (though not a good one) that is often seen in victims of sexual crimes. Scientifically, we know that trauma actually causes the brain to believe it's been injured, so multiple trauma's means multiple injuries. The trauma of sexual assault can sometimes cause to engage in a lot of sexual activity. Why does that happen? It’s the brain’s way of trying to figure out what happened to it, it’s also the brain's way of trying to regain a sense of control and to heal the injury it thinks it has sustained. On the opposite spectrum some victims become totally abstinent. Either way, it is important not to shame a victim for trying to regain some control over sexual encounters. This is actually an important step in healing, however, hyper-sexual behavior can lead to victims becoming victims again. If that happens, again it is not okay to blame the victim for becoming a victim again. I understand this concept may be difficult to understand for those never having been raped or sexually abused, but as I’ve said, the victim is never at fault, absolutely never, I can’t repeat that enough. "She is lying." "She should have come forward immediately." "She must be lying since she didn't come forward earlier." "The DA dropped the case so it must not have been true/it didn't happen."

Imagine for a second, if you can, you were sexually assaulted, the horror of that crime, the violence of that, the trauma you might feel, the shame, the guilt, the violation, the way society treats victims, what people will think, what they might say, these are all part of why victims don’t come forward immediately. Not every victim is prepared mentally to come forward right after immediately being raped. As I said above, the brain quite literally thinks it's been injured (I will actually be doing a full blog on this topic soon). By saying someone must come forward immediately or they are lying, we are expecting someone with the equivalent of a brain injury to come forward, remember every detail and tell their story repeatedly to people who make them feel like they are at fault. Why do we people do that? I really don't understand. Quite honestly, all I wanted to do was take a shower & get his stench off of me, I wanted to curl up in a ball on the floor of my shower and cry. We can’t expect someone who experienced such trauma to come forward immediately, in an ideal world that would be the best outcome, we do not live in an ideal world, if we did, there wouldn’t be rape or abuse. Do we usually blame children for not telling someone they are being abused? Most of us don't blame children so why is it okay to blame rape victims for not coming forward immediately? Another way people shame is when they point to the fact that the victim can’t tell their story the same way each time. Here is the problem with that. Recalling information from a time when we are under extreme stress from trauma is very different than recalling it when we aren’t. A victim may be experiencing dissociation (another topic I plan on talking about in a future blog), something the brain chooses to do to protect oneself, to continue to survive, or because it believes you are not ready to deal with the trauma. Our brains only allow us to deal with what the brain assumes we can handle at one particular time or another. An article I read explained it this way, a memory that might normally look like A->B->C->D->E->F->G might look more like B->G->F->?->?->A->?. It pointed out that victims of other types of traumatic events (natural disaster, terrorist attacks, car crashes, etc.) often react the same way, yet we would never say to those survivors that they were lying. Oftentimes, it’s only with therapy that victims can begin to start to put the pieces back together and hopefully through that therapy they can begin to find ways to cope and deal with their trauma. So why do DA's drop cases? Does it mean the victim is lying? DA’s are elected officials, they are usually elected based on their win records. If they believe they can’t win the case, whether it's a good case or not, they won’t take it. Remember they also get promoted based on wins vs. loses. If they don’t take the case, it doesn’t affect their win/lose ratio. This doesn’t have anything to do with the victim, it’s usually a case of them not having enough resources, not enough witnesses or physical evidence (A lack of witnesses and/or physical evidence doesn’t mean the crime didn’t occur) or sometimes a victim asks for a case to get dropped. So why would a victim ask for a case to get dropped. That’s not a simple answer, there are a lot of reasons why they may do that, similar to the fact that there are a lot of reasons why victims don’t come forward. Victim blaming/shaming may be one of those reasons, the victim may be getting harassed, even getting death threats, or their attacker may have intimidated them into dropping the case. They may have withdrawn the case in order to keep their self-preservation. These are just a few of the things to keep in mind when you hear a case has been dropped, or when you hear a victim didn’t come forward immediately or didn’t bother to report it at all. Another thing to remember is the system is very much to blame for victims not coming forward or choosing to drop the case. The process can be very re-traumatizing for victims. People often say when a victim retracts their statement it’s because they lied. That’s simply not true 99.9% of the time. A lack of evidence doesn’t mean they lied, that is an assumption people make because it’s easier to believe someone lied than it is to believe someone committed a sexual crime, especially if you know the person being accused or if the victim and perpetrator share a social group. Retracting their statement, no matter how they choose to retract it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Another issue that is important to know is that in the USA there are still states with loopholes in their laws regarding rape, especially in situations where the victim knows the perpetrator. It's only been since 1993 that every state made it illegal to commit sexual violence against a spouse or partner. Unfortunately, as I said, there are loopholes, some states still have laws on the books such as "women must perform their wifely duties," "the only real rape is stranger rape." These loopholes need to be changed because it allows rapists to use the argument that you are their wife or girlfriend so you have an obligation to perform "wifely duties." Regardless of your relationship to your rapist, assault is assault, abuse is abuse, period. Knowing your attacker, being in any relationship with them does not ever take away your right to legally consent or to say no. You do not have an obligation to consent to anyone, period. Women are victim shamed based on characteristics such as being careless, too trustworthy, wearing the wrong thing while men tend to face victim blaming differently based on behavioral characteristics such as not being strong enough or not fighting back. Again it all boils down to this, anyone can be raped at any point in their lives in any circumstance and they are never to blame. The only person ever to blame is the perpetrator.

SA Series Part 2: What is Victim Shaming/Blaming & Why is it Bad?

This part of my series will focus on the why victims may blame themselves, stigma of sexual crimes, rape culture, why victim blaming/shaming is harmful, how the media contributes to victim blaming and what can you do to prevent this and help victims.

"WHY VICTIMS BLAME THEMSELVES"

Victims sometimes blame themselves for the same reasons other people blame them. For instance, they too want to believe the world is a safe, fair place, so blaming themselves allows them to continue to believe the world is generally a safe place.

They may also have heard some of the examples listed in part one and those words often repeat over and over in their heads, making them believe they are at fault. For instance, “maybe if I wore different clothing, this won’t happen to me again/wouldn’t have happened to me” or maybe “if I was stronger I could have defended myself from this attack,” or “it’s my fault for going in public alone,” “it couldn’t be rape because he’s my boyfriend,” all these things are ways victims blame themselves and all of them are inaccurate because it is never the victim's fault.

Victims experience a lot of fear that they will be attacked again, in fact a portion of victim’s will experience more than one sexual assault. Having been raped more than once myself I can attest to the fact that we blame ourselves which is so harmful to our mental health and well-being.

"STIGMA OF SEXUAL CRIME VICTIMS & WHAT IS RAPE CULTURE?"

Rape culture is an environment in which sexual violence is normalized and excused in the media and in our culture/society. It is perpetuated through the objectification of women’s bodies, misogynistic language and the glamourizing of sexual violence, all of which creates a society that disregards victims rights and safety.

Victims of sexual crimes such as rape or child sexual abuse are often stigmatized in society when they tell their stories. Quite often they are seen as "damaged goods" which isn’t fair to the victim, this is especially true with children or virgins. Women are often slut-shamed, they are not believed, they may even be disowned from their families, in some countries women who have been raped are killed because they are "unclean", yet the rapist is allowed to continue on his life as if he did nothing wrong.

Rape culture includes the belief that what a woman is wearing can be a reason as to why she deserved or asked to be raped. It’s the assumption that a woman wearing body-revealing clothing or makeup means they are looking for it, irrespective of verbal consent. (Side Note: I plan on doing another blog post about consent, in fact if you would like to help me by answering some questions on the topic, please send me a message below or on my socials, I promise to always keep you anonymous). I will briefly touch on it though by saying the movement towards affirmative consent is a positive thing. It means that all people participating in sexual activity must give a verbal affirmation to consent, no means no and no verbal answer also means no. It also means if any party is drinking, regardless of whether they may have given a verbal yes, they are impaired so they can’t legally give verbal consent.

Some people use the argument that affirmative consent takes away from their right to sexual freedom and that it maintains the old stereotypes of sexual repression perpetuated by western culture. I argue it does NOT do that. You can still have a one night stand, just get verbal consent beforehand. How hard is it to have a quick conversation with a potential sexual partner to find out what they are okay doing, what they aren’t, if they are sober, do you both agree to use protection, etc.? Quite frankly it’s about respect for them and for yourself. Again, I will be discussing more on these things in a future blog because it’s a whole subject on it’s own.

Affirmative consent also includes the fact that a minor can never give consent. I realize there are some states that allow sex with teenagers as long as they are 15/16 (depending on the state), however it is still illegal federally and it is still wrong for an adult to use these loopholes in state laws to have sex with a teenager, they are still children. This loophole creates child victims. These kids can’t drink, smoke, fight in the military yet somehow our laws think they are responsible enough to consent to sex? How does that seem right? It doesn’t to me. Predators use these loopholes to groom teenagers and to get away with some very disturbing behavior.

Another example of rape culture is when victims are attacked on their character (i.e. drug use, prostitution, amount of sexual partners, etc.) by defense attorney’s who make the argument that victims who lead a “high risk” lifestyle are not real victims, when in fact they are victims just like every other victim, regardless of their lifestyle, again no person chooses to be raped. There is even this idea that women shouldn’t be out late at night, at a party or even alone in general in public places because if they are then they are at fault for being raped. Personally, I was blamed for my sexual assaults, something I’ll talk about in the final part of this series.

Let’s touch on male victims for a moment, they too are victims of shaming, blaming and rape culture. Rape culture perpetuates the myth that men can’t be raped based on anatomy. Many people still have the mistaken belief that men can’t be raped because guys always want sex. So because they always want sex they don’t have the same right to consent that women do? Men have the right to consent just as much as women do. Society questions a man’s sexuality when they are raped, they say they should be able to protect themselves because they are stronger than women. Male victims deserve just as much respect as women victims, they should be supported, heard and believed.

There is also the mistaken belief that men can’t be raped because if they didn’t want sex their penis would stay flaccid. Well, let me tell you, that’s simply not true. Here’s why, none of us have 100% control over what our bodies do. Something you may not realize is that the majority of victims (both male & female) will experience orgasm, not because they wanted to or because they enjoyed what happened to them, simply because we don’t control how our bodies react when certain areas are stimulated. In fact, this is another example of why victims may blame themselves, because they orgasmed during their attack. These stereotypes are so damaging and it devalues a victims story.

Examples of Rape Culture;

• Trivializing Sexual Assault (i.e. “boys will be boys”)

• Sexually explicit Jokes (i.e. “no means yes,” or “wouldn’t it be funny if a woman was gang raped?”)

• Tolerance of Sexual Harassment

• Making Up or Inflating False Rape Reporting Stats

• Assuming Men Don’t Get Raped or Only Weak Men Get Raped

• Refusing to Take Accusations Seriously

• Teaching Women to Avoid Being Raped

• Accusing someone of "Playing the Victim" or using the "victim card"

"WHY IS VICTIM SHAMING/BLAMING/RAPE CULTURE BAD & WHY DO PEOPLE DO IT?"

So why would anyone blame a victim? That’s a fairly complicated answer that I’ll try to unravel. It’s important to understand why there is a tendency to blame victims. Recognizing when victims are blamed can help you and others to stop blaming them, it can also help victims to stop blaming themselves.

When bad things happen to people, others often look for a reason it happened. They often say or think “that wouldn’t have happened to me, because I would have…” I think they do that as a way to make themselves feel safer or protected. It’s understandable but it’s also not a good thing to say to victims, it invalidates what happened to them and it makes them feel like you are saying it’s their fault when in fact it’s always the perpetrators fault.

Blaming silences victims. When victims are blamed they are less likely to seek help or report it to authorities and so are future victims of similar crimes. Again abuse, assault and other forms of sexual violence or violence in general are always the perpetrators fault. A victim does not bring it on themselves. By silencing victims the cycle of crime continues, the perpetrator goes on to another victim or continues to abuse his current victim more and it reinforces predator-like attitudes, allowing perpetrators to avoid being held accountable for their actions.

Victim blaming leads to increased and unnecessary suffering for the victims which increases the feelings of shame and guilt. Victims of sexual crimes almost always develop PTSD known as rape trauma syndrome, they also often experience depression, anxiety and other mental health issues because of the horrific acts that happened to them. Being ridiculed, blamed/shamed or watching the predator who violated them avoid punishment, not getting the justice they deserve not only makes the healing process so much harder but it also increases the suffering the victim is already going through, it prolongs that suffering. If the survivor knows that you or society blames her/him for the abuse, they will not feel safe or comfortable coming forward and talking to you.

Victim-blaming attitudes also reinforce what the abuser has been saying all along; that it is the victim’s fault this is happening. It is NEVER the victim’s fault nor is it their responsibility to fix the situation; it is the abuser’s choice. By engaging in victim-blaming attitudes, society allows the abuser to perpetrate relationship abuse or sexual assault while avoiding accountability for his/her actions. When friends and family remain neutral about the abuse and say that both people need to change, they are colluding with and supporting the abusive partner and making it less likely that the survivor will seek support.

"HOW DOES THE MEDIA PERPETUATE SHAMING/BLAMING/RAPE CULTURE?"

The media chooses what parts of a crime to highlight so while reporting on sexual crimes they can frame it in a way that contributes to blaming victims or they can frame it in a way that reinforces that all victims deserve the right to safety. When the media perpetuates victim blaming it has an impact on how society sees sexual crimes. By choosing to frame sexual crime in a way that blames a victim they basically give permission to everyone else to blame that victim rather than where the blame truly belongs which is always the predator.

Some examples of the media blaming the victim include headlines such as, “Sex worker not raped, just a deal gone sour,” “Drunk woman raped,” “Woman wearing a mini skirt was raped.” Using these headlines the media promotes a derogatory image of the victim and perpetuates the idea that these women deserved to get raped, it implies that victims with certain behaviors or certain characteristics are deserving of what happened to them.

When the media or the court system give reasons as to why a particular sex crime may have occurred it encourages a dangerous mindset in society that holds survivors responsible for the traumatic crime that happened to them, and it gives a pass to the predator. We need to hold the media accountable and demand that they not report sex crimes these ways and to always hold the predator at fault. It’s also important to note headlines such as “Woman admits to being raped.” suggests that the woman has something to be ashamed of and is responsible for being raped. The media should instead be using neutral headlines such as “woman reports rape,” or “shares experience,” this reinforces the fact that the only person at fault is the rapist.

"WHAT CAN YOU DO TO STOP THIS & HELP VICTIMS?"

1. Make sure victims are heard. Listen to what they are saying, hear their stories, let them know what happened to them is not their fault.

2. Do not let perpetrators blame their victim, alcohol or drugs for their behavior, nothing is to blame but their own choice to rape.

3. Confront victim blaming/shaming and rape culture when you hear it, hold the people around you accountable.

4. If you are a parent, you have a responsibility to talk to your children about the complexities of consent, what victim blaming is and what to do if someone they know is a victim or a perpetrator. The school system doesn’t do this for you, you need to do it. Have the tough conversation, let your children know it will never be their fault if these things happen. Make sure all your children know how to be sexually responsible, not just about protection but also about consent and the responsibility they have to talk to their partner(s) about consent, protection, what they are comfortable doing and what they aren't. Even if you don’t want them to be sexually active it is still important to have this conversation because someday they will be sexually active, or they may be a witness to a sexual crime, Don’t sweep this topic under the rug because it is uncomfortable.

5. Understand how your own bias about what you think about victims/gender, etc. affect the way you interpret a victims story about sexual crimes. Are you someone who thinks men can’t be raped? Are you someone who thinks if someone is a member of the LBGTQ community they deserve what happens to them? Are you someone who thinks the victim is to blame for what they wore, whether they were drinking, where they were at the time, if they knew their attacker, etc.? Do you understand how thinking these things contribute to rape culture and the fact that victims then don’t want come forward? Do you understand thinking these things enables rapists and child abusers to continue their behaviors? Finally would you want your child, your best friend, your spouse, your parent, someone you love to be shamed or blamed, would you want someone to do that to you?

In conclusion, it’s bad enough we as victims blame ourselves but to have others also place blame on us is almost worse because it reinforces what we are thinking about ourselves, it hinders our ability to cope with the trauma. As a victim I realized in order to cope I needed to stop blaming myself and I needed to stop allowing others to blame me too. Let’s stand up together against victim blaming/shaming and put the blame squarely on where it belongs, right at the perpetrators feet, let’s hold those criminals accountable.

More ways you can help;

• Avoid using language that objectifies or degrades women

• Speak out if you hear someone else making an offensive joke or trivializing rape

• If a friend says they have been raped, take your friend seriously and be supportive

• Think critically about the media’s messages about women, men, relationships, and violence

• Be respectful of others’ physical space even in casual situations

• Let survivors know that it is not their fault

• Hold abusers accountable for their actions: do not let them make excuses like blaming the victim, alcohol, or drugs for their behavior

• Always communicate with sexual partners and do not assume consent

• Do not let stereotypes shape your actions.

• Be an Active Bystander!

SA Series Part 3: My Story of Abuse, Rape & Being Shamed/Blamed

For part 3 of this series I wanted to take each category addressed in the previous 2 blogs and put a face to these topics. I’m going to do something I haven’t done before and that is talk in depth about my experiences, though I’m only comfortable touching briefly on the childhood abuse. Before I start my story I think it’s important for people to know we aren’t “playing the victim” or using the “victim card” as some people like to say. I touched on that in blog 2, those are examples of shaming/blaming and rape culture. It’s also important to know that as victims we have the right to call ourselves victims or survivors or both. They are pretty much interchangeable in terms of surviving abuse, so when someone says they are a victim they aren’t trying to get sympathy, they are saying they survived something horrific and during the event they were victimized. Just an important note for those who don’t understand why people like me who have survived abuse use the word victim in our stories. We are victims, we are survivors and we are also brave as hell, we possess a strength unlike any other and we are courageous warriors! In terms of myself, I don't mind if you call me a victim or a survivor, as I said both are true. MY STORY I briefly touched on my abuse in my first blog “Why I Share My Experiences,” read it at the link below. https://sophpratt.wixsite.com/celiacsophiesblog/post/why-i-share-my-experiences I’ll give a quick recap of my history for those who haven’t read the blog linked above. From the ages of 3-ish to 9 years old I was abused physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally by a step-parent. For a 2 week period the summer I was 9 years old, I was visiting a relative who raped me every night. In my early 30s, I was raped twice, once by someone I had just started dating and once by someone I had been dating for awhile. I think it’s probably best to take each of these one by one, give some further details and then touch on how in each of these experiences I faced victim shaming/blaming and/or secondary victimization. CHILDHOOD As I said above, I’m not fully comfortable talking about my childhood abuse in complete detail yet, honestly I may never be and that’s okay. Here’s what I can tell you. The ages of 3 to 9 in childhood are the most important years in terms of forming self-esteem, self-worth and our personalities, there’s a lot of scientific research on that. So during those extremely important years I was being told the following things;

• I was “unlovable,”

• “no man would ever love me or want me,”

• “my own dad didn’t love or want me, so why would anyone else,” (my step parent told me that, my dad did of course love and want me just to clarify)

• I was told I was, “ugly,” “stupid,” “useless,” “evil,” “fat” and those are just some of the things that stick out most in my memories and that became my internal dialogue.

Those are just some examples of the verbal, mental, emotional & psychological abuse I suffered. I was convinced by this person that these things were true, he even convinced me my own parents didn’t want or love me. Add in the physical abuse and I learned to be small, invisible and silent. I spent as much time as possible at friend's houses, outside or in my room. When I was at school, I felt safe, but that bus ride home every day was torture, my anxiety would start as soon as the bell rung signaling school was over and it would just increase every mile we got closer to my bus stop. By the time I got off the bus, my knees would be knocking, my heart racing and I would be close to tears as I reached my front door. I got really good at hiding these things in front of my friends though, because as bad as the abuse was, my terror at any of my friends finding out was far worse, I was so certain they would agree with my step parent’s words. The verbal, mental and emotional abuse was a daily constant, the physical abuse was less often, only when my mother wasn’t around to hear or witness it. When you are abused as a child, your brain learns really quickly how to keep you alive, how to make sure you survive, it goes into survival mode. This is both good and bad, good that your brain is so amazing it automatically does that, bad because it becomes the thing your brain focuses on the most, so for your whole life, your body is in constant fear and anxiety, waiting for the next trauma to trigger it into survival mode. It’s very similar to a veteran who suffers from PTSD, and PTSD never goes away, hopefully you just learn to cope with it. I struggled with dissociation (dissociation is not the same thing as the mental illness DID, I don't have DID) a lot during my childhood, a subject I want to devote an entire blog of it’s own to, because it’s so important and often very misunderstood, but the things I do remember are very vivid. My first memory as a child is an abuse memory. I was 3 ½ or 4 years old at the time and had just been prescribed medication in pill form, probably for my rheumatoid arthritis, but I can’t honestly remember. I had only ever had liquid meds up until this point, these pills were not small by any means. I tried swallowing them and found I couldn’t do it. I remember my step parent pushing me down to the kitchen floor, pinning my body by sitting on my chest, mind you I was a very small child, maybe 20 to 25 pounds at best and this was a full grown man, 5’9-ish 160-170 pounds or more, sitting on top of me. I couldn’t breathe, I was crying. He forced my mouth open, shoved the pills in and then covered my mouth and nose with his hand, demanding I swallow the pills. I remember getting dizzy, light-headed and of course I was terrified. The only other incident that I’m comfortable sharing is one of the last times he abused me. It was the fall of 3rd grade and I was walking home from the bus stop. I didn’t notice a large rock in my path and I tripped over it, fell down and hit my head, splitting open some skin in my eyebrow. I was crying, bleeding from the head when I walked in our back door. I don’t honestly know why my step dad was home that day and not at work, but he was lying on the couch watching tv. He took one look at me and began screaming about how clumsy I was and that I was an “idiot, a dumb, stupid bitch.” He grabbed me, threw me over his knee and beat my butt. My step-brother must have heard me crying because he came running in, saw what was happening and told his dad to stop, something that got him backhanded across the face after my step parent threw me to the floor, then he stalked out of the room. My step brother took me into the bathroom, washed the blood from my forehead and eyes. I remember begging him not to tell my mom, he reassured me he wouldn’t. I ,of course, did have to tell her I fell and that my step-brother helped me take care of it. Every time my step parent abused me, no matter what the type of abuse, he always made sure I knew it was my fault, it was never his fault, he victim blamed me every time. I grew up believing every single word he ever said to me, it played in my head like a song on repeat until my mid 30’s. Now I know how to stop that song and change it to something better, now I repeat some version of this, “You are lovable, you deserve to be loved, you are wanted, you matter to people, you are a good person with a good heart, you are beautiful from the inside out, you are not fat or ugly, you are so smart, you are funny, God loves you, you love you, you are an amazing mother, daughter, friend and person, you are a survivor, a warrior who survived the impossible.” This is my mantra every time I think one of those negative words/phrases my step dad said to me. One of the things, besides therapy, that helped me change my mindset was something my son said to me. He told my mom and I both, that we were always saying negative things about ourselves and that he was going to make us say 3 things we liked about ourselves any time we said something negative. After awhile, instead of him telling me to do it, I started doing it on my own, it became a habit, one I am so grateful he helped me start. There are very few things I am comfortable sharing publicly about the sexual abuse. It was the summer before 4th grade. I was 9 years old and visiting a relative for 2 weeks. Every night he would come in the room I was sleeping in and sexually assault me, each night got more and more horrific and degrading. My brain, in order to help me survive the magnitude of horror, dissociated a lot so there are some details I remember and many I do not, thank goodness, because what I do remember is bad enough. As I said, I'm not comfortable talking about the details of this abuse but because I think this is an important subject I will tell you that I have both internal vaginal and anal scarring. I have another medical issue that was caused by the abuse, something I have to deal with daily but one I’m not comfortable telling most people, in fact I never talk about it to anyone unless I am dating them (no, it isn’t an STD or anything contagious.) This man victim blamed me too. Not to get too graphic, he basically said it was my fault, my body’s fault to be more specific, my 9 year old body. Not only did he blame me but he threatened me too, he said if I told my parents or anyone else he would kill them and me. I was terrified and believed him so I didn’t say a word. I did however, tell my mom when I returned home to her that I never wanted to go back there again, she asked why but I wouldn’t tell her the full truth, instead I told her that they told me they hated me, something that actually did happen while I was there. Luckily, she said I never had to go back there if I didn’t want to. I’m so extremely grateful to her for allowing me to make that choice and for backing me up. In hindsight I wish I had told her the truth, but again, I was an abused child who learned to be small and invisible and who believed my parents didn’t love me. I was condition to believe my parents wouldn't believe me and that no one would care because I deserved this abuse. As I am sure you can imagine, these abuses made for a very anxious, depressed teenager who hated herself. I pretended I was fine of course, because I didn’t want to be the freak everyone gossiped about, though I was in fact gossiped about a lot, most of those things said were untrue but I think it would have been terrible for me if my peers had found out I was abused. Junior high and high school kids aren’t the nicest people and the few kids I knew had been abused were treated pretty badly by a lot of kids. It didn’t help that the first time I told someone about the abuse (it was also the first time I tried to have sex) became a traumatic incident of it’s very own. I was 16 years old and as we attempted to have sex I had a horrific flashback to the sexual abuse, it was very traumatizing. I told my boyfriend what was happening to me and he made things so much worse because he was not supportive and he actually dumped me because I couldn’t have sex with him. By him doing that, it reinforced the idea that the abuse was my fault, I was a damaged freak, that there was something wrong with me and no man would want me if I didn’t have sex with them. It seriously messed me up mentally in a way I am still trying to forgive myself for. Both the predator blaming me and the boyfriend dumping me are instances of victim blaming, holding me accountable for something beyond my control. People think victim blaming/shaming only happens to adults of sex crimes, but it also often happens to children too. ADULTHOOD There is this site online that shares pictures of envelopes with a short statement written on them by a sexual assault victim. If I made one it would say, “he was the boy I sat next to during senior year of high school in English class. He was a very popular boy, an athlete who played on several sports teams.” Something I find curious about this boy is none of our classmates (except my closest friend) have ever asked me who he was. I often wonder if it’s because they don’t want to believe someone we went to school with could do this or if it’s because they just don’t want to know or if they are just trying to be respectful since I have never said his name. This rape occurred in my early 30’s after he messaged me via one of those chat apps, I think it was the Hotmail one. We spent several weeks talking, catching up, flirting and finally he asked me if we could hang out. I said yes and invited him to my house for lunch. I thought it was safe to invite him to my home since I had known him back in high school, though certainly we weren’t friends back then. We had discussed sex actually and he knew I wasn’t interested in having sex with anyone I wasn’t seriously dating. At least, I thought he knew because I told him that and he said he understood and was willing to wait. He was such a damn liar. He arrived at my door, I let him inside and for the next 30 minutes or so things were fine. We talked about high school, he asked if he had signed my yearbook and if I still had it. I got it out and he looked at what he wrote (he had written in part “maybe we will be married someday,”). It was shortly after reading what he wrote that he pinned me down on my couch and proceeded to rape me. For context, at that time I was 5’4 and 125 pounds, he was taller than 6 feet and over 200 pounds. I tried to fight, I said no, he didn’t listen, he just pinned my arms above my head with one hand and raped me. The graphic details aren’t necessary to share, but afterward he got dressed, thanked me and left. He actually thanked me, no joke, he even said he hoped we could do it again sometime, maybe after we were married. I remember feeling so dirty, I just wanted to take a shower. I had to make a quick decision on what to do because my kids were going to be home within 30 minutes so I chose to take a shower and not let them know anything was wrong. I cried myself to sleep that night and every night for several weeks. The following day I blocked him on the chat and I didn’t hear from him again for quite awhile, but eventually he began stalking me, in fact he stalked me for 2 full years, something I’m also not comfortable talking about. Luckily, I haven't seen or heard from him in 9 years or so. Several months later a friend introduced me to a guy and we began dating. As I had done with all the men I was in a serious relationship with, I disclosed the child sexual abuse so he knew that there were certain things off limits in terms of sexual acts and so he would know what I needed from him if I experienced a flashback during sex. He was very supportive and I felt very safe with him, boy was I wrong. About four and a half months into our relationship he violently raped me. What started out as consensual sex quickly turned non-consensual when he turned me over and proceeded to quite forcefully, painfully and violently rape me anally. I cried, begged him to stop and tried to fight him off even though I was on my stomach and he had pinned me down with his body covering my back. I didn’t scream because my children were home, asleep in their beds and I didn’t want them to witness what was happening. Afterward he rolled over and went to sleep, I ran into the bathroom, locked myself in there and laid on the tiled floor sobbing all night, throwing up in the toilet on occasion because I was so upset. Shortly before it was time to get my kids up to school, I took a shower, washed my face and composed myself so they wouldn’t know. I got them off to school and as they were leaving, he left as well. After he left I messaged him online and told him to not ever come back. I was worried he would show back up, but he didn’t, he simply responded saying, “sure no problem, I don’t really like you anyway.” Once again, I had decided not to do anything, other than pretend it didn’t happen just like the first time with my classmate. It was easier to live in denial than it was to face it. I think I would make a different choice today but back then I was still that damaged child inside, the one that had learned to just live with the trauma and not talk about it, the one who believed I deserved to be abused, she didn't know it was okay to stand up for herself, she didn't even know how. Eventually in my mid-30’s I decided to face these trauma’s and try to heal. I found a therapist and began making progress, unfortunately my insurance decided to cut off my mental health care coverage so I had to stop seeing my therapist, in fact my Medicare still won't cover any mental health care. It was at that point that I had to start working on healing by myself. I found people online who had been through the same thing and through meeting them, I began talking about my story. It was a lot of 2 steps forward, 2 steps back kind of thing. I’d find the courage to talk about what happened to me and then someone would victim shame or blame me, which made me want to stop talking about it, so I’d stop until I found courage to try again, then came another incident of blaming/shaming and it was a vicious circle. The first time victim shaming happened to me (online) a classmate called me a liar and said she didn’t believe a damn word I said, she got several other classmates to send me harassing messages on Facebook after I blocked her. The second time I was asked why I let these guys into my home. After that I can’t tell you what order I heard these things in but I remember being told that I was “asking for it,” and I was asked if I had been drinking or if he had been drinking. I was also called a slut more times than I can count and told I must have provoked these attacks or that I deserved them. I was asked what I was wearing, I was told I was blowing things out of proportion. I’ve also been judged so many times for choosing not to report any of these assaults (see part 2 of this blog for more information on why victims don’t report). These things were all so difficult to hear and they almost stopped me from continuing to try to heal. See the thing is, I was also blaming myself for these things, even the childhood abuse. As I said in part 1 of this series, victims frequently blame themselves. Being abused at a young age just conditioned me to believe abuse in any form was all my fault, not only was it my fault, I was taught to believe I deserved to be abused. The thing I realized early on is that when I would share my story, I would feel better, right up until someone said something that blamed or shamed me, then I would lose that feeling. I really had to work hard to stop blaming myself before I could finally share my story without worrying or caring what people thought or what they said. It took a really long time, but eventually I got there. That's not to say there aren't times when comments of blaming get to me, they still do on occasion, that's when I practice my coping mechanism's or I reach out to someone to talk about how I feel. Finding my voice, learning to love myself, finding self worth these things took a lot of hard work, and I recognize that this is a lifelong journey because trauma doesn’t ever go away. It is definitely manageable, but it leaves PTSD behind which can be triggered (knowingly or unknowingly) by people, by events, by movies, tv shows, music, news articles, etc. I used to not know how to cope with triggers and I even used to cope by making really bad choices, choices I am not proud of. Again, it took me a while to figure out how to find mentally healthy ways to cope, though I will say the coping mechanisms that work for me won’t work for every victim, we are all different, we have unique traumas, so we must find what works uniquely for ourselves. What works for me is self care, positive thoughts, reaching out to someone I trust, talking about it, writing about it, raising awareness and while distraction can be harmful in terms of coping, I have found a few healthy distractions like painting. Distractions are healthy only if after you use them to calm down you are then able to deal with whatever trigger you experienced, it’s not healthy to use distractions to ignore those things. Recently a friend pointed out to me that if they didn’t know my story, they would never be able to tell I have anxiety or PTSD. I think that’s both good and bad. It’s good because maybe it means I have healed enough that triggers are easily dealt with. However, I also know I’m still a work in progress because I recognize I am great at hiding my feelings, after all I had to do that as a child. I was forced to hide so much and sometimes I find myself hiding what’s happening to me around people because I don’t want to upset them or have them worry about me or even worse make them uncomfortable. I often feel like I'm bothering people or being a burden when I reach out. I definitely recognize I need to work on that and I know I’m blessed to have understanding people in my life who will let me come to them on my own terms when I am ready, who don’t judge me when I keep my feelings to myself and who encourage me to be honest and open with them. I hope this gives a face to victim shaming/blaming and secondary victimization, as well as why victims don't come forward. I hope it makes you think about how you talk to or see victims of sexual crimes. I hope next time someone tries to tell you their story, or you read about someone’s story you will remember to lay the blame squarely on the abuser/predator/rapist and not the victim. My dad has passed away but a few years before he passed I had the courage to tell him all these terrible trauma’s I endured. I vividly remember the conversation with my dad. I remember him saying that if he had known what was happening to me as a child he would have done whatever it took to save me. The support he gave me was so beautiful, it was a moment in which we both recognized in each other a survivor, two people who had both survived trauma and it deepened our bond. It’s also the moment I finally decided to fully face what happened and to do whatever it took to heal it. I know my dad, who passed away in 2016, would be very proud of me for how hard I have worked to heal and to face these things, that thought keeps me going when I have a difficult day. I still have things I need to work on. There are times I still feel shame, times fear just hits me like a ton of bricks, times I still feel unclean or dirty, times I still feel broken. I’ve experienced men seeing me as damaged goods and there have been times when a man I like won’t give me a chance because they see me as damaged goods or someone with “too much baggage.” I know that someday I will meet the right man, one who will see me as strong, courageous and beautiful for the things I have survived and he won’t see me as damaged goods, honestly, I don’t feel like I am damaged goods. I have to give myself credit on how far I have come, how much I have healed already and I know it’s only a matter of time before I can conquer these last few things I still struggle with. There is a line in a song that I often think of when I am struggling, “There’s a beauty in being broken, I’ve been seeing it.” It’s a song by Dermot Kennedy called ‘Without Fear’ and it really helped me to see that there is nothing wrong with being broken. All of these terrible moments in my life have led me to who I am right now, today and that woman is someone I am proud to be so if I am “broken” that’s okay because there is beauty in my strength and my courage, I’ve been seeing it and I know others are seeing it in me too. "STATS" (see more information on how RAINN collects these stats below the citations at the bottom of this blog)

• Every 73 seconds an American is sexually assaulted, every 9 minutes that victim is a child.

• 80,600 Inmates a year are victims of sexual assault

• 60,000 children a year are victims of substantiated or indicated sexual abuse

• 433,648 American’s age 12 or older are sexually assaulted or raped yearly

• 18, 900 military people experience unwanted sexual contact yearly (I know one of those male military victims).

• 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime

• 3% of American men (1 in 33) have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime

• 34% of victims of sexual assault and rape are under the age of 12 (this stat doesn’t include adult cases)

• 66% of child victims are ages 12-17

• 9 out of every 10 victims is female (90% female vs. 10% male)

What was the victim doing when the crime occurred? (Also stats from RAINN)

• 48% were sleeping, or performing another activity at home

• 29% were traveling to and from work or school, or traveling to shop or run errands

• 12% were working

• 7% were attending school

• 5% were doing an unknown or other activity

World stats tend to lean towards the following; every second a person is sexually assaulted, that makes 86,400 people in a 24 hour period. That number is increasing every year, just based on the people who report sexual assault, if you consider how many aren’t reported, that number is probably astronomical. 1 in every 3 females will be raped, while 1 in every 9 will be raped according to world stats.

FACT: As many as one-third of all high school and college-age young people experience violence in an intimate or dating relationship. FACT: Survivors exhibit a spectrum of emotional responses to assault: calm, hysteria, laughter, anger, apathy, shock. Each survivor copes with the trauma of the assault in a different way. FACT: Reported sexual assaults are true, with very few exceptions. According to CONNSACS, only 2% of reported rapes are false. This is the same rate of false reporting as other major crime reports. If you or someone you know is a victim please see the resources below for help. I’m here to listen if you want to tell me your story, I promise to keep whatever you tell me confidential unless I have your written permission to do otherwise. To my fellow survivors I see you, I hear you, I care about you and I stand with you! RESOURCES

• National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673 Available 24 hours

• https://www.rainn.org/

• https://asoneproject.org/

CITATIONS

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_blaming

• https://www.usu.edu/saavi/give_help/avoid-victim-blaming

• https://asoneproject.org/victim-blaming/

• https://feminisminindia.com/2019/10/22/media-victim-blaming-gbvinmeda/

• https://inside.southernct.edu/sexual-misconduct/facts

Understanding RAINN’s statistics Sexual violence is notoriously difficult to measure, and there is no single source of data that provides a complete picture of the crime. On RAINN’s website, we have tried to select the most reliable source of statistics for each topic. The primary data source we use is the National Crime Victimization Survey (NCVS), which is an annual study conducted by the Justice Department. To conduct NCVS, researchers interview tens of thousands of Americans each year to learn about crimes that they’ve experienced. Based on those interviews, the study provides estimates of the total number of crimes, including those that were not reported to police. While NCVS has a number of limitations (most importantly, children under age 12 are not included), overall, it is the most reliable source of crime statistics in the U.S. We have also relied on other Justice Department studies, as well as data from the Department of Health and Human Services and other government and academic sources. When assembling these statistics, we have generally retained the wording used by the authors. Statistics are presented for educational purposes only.